Xenia

An Exploration of Asexuality

2026-05-07T00:00:00+00:00

The following is designed to be a completely comprehensive guide to ace terminology. Although the words are helpful for understanding other people, how they see the world, and how you might differ from those people, and therefore relate to them, it is worth remembering that the individual experience of a person is truly unique and no one can tell you who you are. It is critical you do not take this dictionary as a flat definition, but more as a rough guideline to help you through your self discovery, and become your true self.

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The first and most commonly used definition of ace is:

A person who has a complete disgust to sexual contact.

This definition is fine. It works. It’s not wrong, but it’s got some problems. It ignores a lot of facts about the way sexual orientation works, for instance sex ambivalence instead of aversion, or pushes other groups of people like the aromantics or demi-sexuals out of the ace umbrella. This definition is also commonly called “black stripe” asexuality. As such, my favourite definition of ace is:

A person who does not feel attraction in a conventional way.

This definition requires some explanation, but it effectively encompasses all people who feel differently about sexuality and romanticism. When I say Ace from here on, this is the definition I use.

Most people understand sexual preferences in the binary. On/off. Yes/No. But similar to the gender binary, this is a simplification used to make things easier to understand. When we dive deep into the asexuality spectrum, we find it is made up of hundreds of unique aspects. Imagine if you would a standard deviation bell curve. Where on one side of the extreme, lays people who are 100% completely sexual contact averse, or disgusted by the idea of sexual contact. On the other extreme of the curve are Hyper-sexual people.

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When we envision the world like this, we come to understand that every person exists somewhere on the Asexual-Hypersexual spectrum. This definition allows everyone to be included if they so wish, by recognizing that a person’s asexual expression is not defined by distance from the edges but instead is relative to its distance from the center. Through this, we allow people to use ace labels to describe themselves if they so wish but feel no pressure to either conform to the standard, nor achieve certain checkmarks to feel like a “Real Ace.” In this model, everyone is allowed to be Ace, as long as they feel like they are far enough away from the norm. This definition also leaves room for hypersexuals to be considered part of the ace spectrum, which is a very controversial take, but I will stand by it, in solidarity of inclusivity for all people. Similar to the Asexual-Hypersexual spectrum, sits a romanticism spectrum.

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Again, by using this model, we allow everyone the breathing room required to do the self-exploration required to become comfortable with ones self, through the understanding that everyone lays somewhere on this curve. The question is where on the curve a person sits, and whether or not they feel comfortable enough taking a label or flag. This definition is understood with the mindset that your personal experience is only understood by yourself, and like sexual preferences (Gay, Bi, Pan), can only be determined by you.

This is babies first AroAce. If this is your first time encountering this word, this is what it means. To be AroAce is to be both Aromantic and Asexual. To for some reason or another find forms of sexual expression and romantic expression to be undesirable. Every form of attraction has its own bell curve, and every person has opinions and feelings about where they sit on each form of attraction. Every single person feels attraction to another person in a different way, and through exploring the rest of this, you can come to better understand who you are as a person, and how to better communicate your needs, as well as understand other people’s emotional needs.

Types of attraction</h1>
 Most forms of attraction are more easily defined by things they are NOT. Defining sexual contact is simple enough, but defining romantic contact can be very challenging. As such, most of the things on this list are more “know it when you feel it.” If you do not understand a feeling or the definition is not helping, it is possible or likely you simply do not feel this form of attraction. The following is a short list of the most commonly talked about forms of attraction. A much more comprehensive list can be found here</a>

Aesthetic:</li> </ul>
An appreciation for or attraction to someone’s looks; experiencing aesthetic attraction towards someone does not automatically lead to a desire for a romantic or sexual relationship with that person.

Sexual:</li> </ul>
A desire for a sexual partnership or contact with a person.

Sensual:</li> </ul>
An attraction based on senses that include physical contact, like hugging or kissing. Sensuality does not have to be accompanied by sexual or romantic feelings.

Romantic:</li> </ul>
A desire to attribute your feelings and sensations into love.

Platonic:</li> </ul>
A desire to be emotionally connected with someone, which is not necessarily accompanied by physical contact, or romantic feelings.

Alterous:</li> </ul>
A type of attraction that is neither entirely platonic nor entirely romantic, best described as “romantic intimacy.”

Libido:</li> </ul>
A person’s sex drive, or the frequency at which a person desires sexual interaction (or lack thereof). Libido is not the same as sexual attraction, which requires another person to be attracted to.
Stances</h1>
 Stances are an aspect of attraction that describes an individual’s feeling towards the form of attraction. Sometimes people find descriptive words a more helpful method of communicating their preferences. The following are prefixes one can put onto any form of attraction. For example, it is ok to be Sex-Repulsed, but Sensual-Favourable.

Favorable:</li> </ul>
One enjoys the interaction.

Indifferent:</li> </ul>
One has no strong feelings regarding the interaction.

Repulsed:</li> </ul>
One feels disgust towards an interaction, sometimes resulting in physical revulsion or nausea.

Averse:</li> </ul>
One does not want to personally engage in the interaction.

Ambivalent:</li> </ul>
One has mixed or complicated feelings regarding the interaction.

Oscillating:</li> </ul>
One’s feelings towards the interaction change or fluctuate over time.

Drained:</li> </ul>
A person who is experiencing a trauma or exhaustion related repulsion or ambivalence. Often these feelings are temporary and fade given time or counselling, but not always. These are usually not an indication of being in the ace spectrum, but can often be confused for Spikes or Jumps (more on that later)
Other Core Concepts</h1>

Gray-Ace:</li> </ul>
 Gray describes a weak effect of the other definitions. For instance, a person who is “gray-sex-repulsed” may only lightly feel disgust towards sexual activity, rather than a fully encompassing repulsion. In some cases, asexual people may question if gray- labels actually “count” as being part of the asexual spectrum. Thus there ends up being pressure put on gray-asexual people to “prove” that they count as part of the community. Gray as a label is used to include people who are questioning, and people who feel only slight pulls towards a label or flag. This prevents people from feeling like they aren’t “pure ace” or “real ace” enough to be included. The point of Gray as a term is to reduce Acephobia from both sides; people who consider ace to be “not real,” as well as those who consider anyone who is not Sex Averse to be ace, by helping people understanding ace through a spectrum model. This is also called “-Angled” by some people.

Periorientation (Roseic) and Variorientation:</li> </ul>
 Most individuals in society are expected to have a matching sexual and romantic orientation. However, this is not always the case. Peri and Vari describe the link between a person’s facets of attraction. For instance, a person who is aroace would be Perioriented, whereas a person who is a-sexual but hyper-romantic would be Varioriented. This can also be used to describe sexual preference, for instance a person who is homosexual but pan-romantic might only enjoy sexual contact from the same gender assignment as them, but will happily romanticise all genders with no intention of sexual contact. These words help people understand that a person’s sexual and romantic experiences do not always align with themselves and can often help prevent people getting confused over the idea that a person must see different expressions of attraction as one big label.

The Split Attraction Model (SAM):</li> </ul>
A person who is perioriented in all form does not need to clarify distinctions between their forms of attraction, and can simply say they are, for instance, “Pan” or “Pansexual.” It is assumed that when one does this, they mean pan-sexual, pan-romantic, pan-asthetic, pan-platonic and pan-sensual. However a person who is Varioriented in their forms of attraction may need to clarify differences to properly communicate their needs within a relationship. An Aromantic Pansexual has no interest in forming romantic relationships, but is willing to form sexual relationships with most people. In this way, clarification is needed, and SAM is called upon to help with the clarification.

Primary Attraction/Secondary Attraction:</li> </ul>
 Primary Attraction is usually an “immediate” attraction, conflated with words like infatuation, butterflies in the stomach, or the “Honey-Moon Phase.” Whereas secondary attraction is the gradual buildup of emotional connection that develops over time. Some people find it hard to start meaningful relationships with people due to their lack of Primary attraction. Some people cannot hold onto meaningful relationships, or simply do not wish to form long relationships, due to a lack of ability to create secondary attraction.

Trauma-Related Asexuality:</li> </ul>
 Although highly contested, in the interest of inclusivity, a separate space in my heart lives for trauma-related Ace. Often through sex work, or abuse, a person can develop ace feelings and may become repulsed by certain forms of attraction. These people are included in my definition, but it is worth understanding that they are an even smaller minority of an already very small group of people. Not all people who are asexual, are trauma related.
Flags</h1>
 All the following terms are “Prefix”, which is to say they can be attributed to any singular form of attraction, or more if one wishes to. For instance, a person may be Apothio-sexual, Demi-romantic, and Akio-Platonic. Combining this with the SAM, and the different forms of attraction, a person can come to a comprehensive model that helps them understand how they interact with other people, and most importantly, become conscious of the ways other people might differ from them.

Allo-/Zed-:</li> </ul>
A person who experiences attraction in conformist ways and is therefore not on the ace spectrum.

Apothio-:</li> </ul>
A person who finds some attractions or activities to be disgusting or uncomfortable and avoids its presence altogether. Usually called “Aversion” or “Repulsion.”

Aro-:</li> </ul>
A person who does not experience a specific form of attraction, but does not necessarily feel aversion to the idea. Usually called “ambivalence.”

Abro-/Flux-:</li> </ul>
A person who’s attraction fluctuates between different stances, or is experienced in different strengths according to a wide range of possible different factors.

Demi-:</li> </ul>
A person who only experiences attraction after establishing an emotional connection with someone, usually in another form of attraction. For instance, a Demi-sexual would require romantic gestures or platonic connection before becoming sexually invested.

Fray-:</li> </ul>
A person who experiences attraction, which fades very quickly, usually after coming to understand the person or object of attraction.

Akio-/Litho-:</li> </ul>
A person who experiences attraction but has no desire to feel reciprocation or sometimes wishes for no reciprocation. Often conflated with “Service,” a person who is Litho-sexual might go as far as desiring to receive no physical contact but be extremely happy to give physical or sexual contact.

Ficto-:</li> </ul>
A person who is exclusively attracted to fictional characters or ideas, and expresses no attraction towards real people.

Aego-/Autochori-:</li> </ul>
A person who experiences a disconnect between the subject of their attraction, and themselves. A person who is Aego-sexual may enjoy the concept of sex with someone but not express it with people or feel no desire to express their attraction, often enjoying erotica or fantasies, but become ambivalent or averse when a person becomes involved.

Cupio-:</li> </ul>
A person who desires actions despite not being able to experience their related attraction. People who are cupio might enjoy using Sex or Romanticism for secondary reasons, like assisting in forming emotional relationships with others, or simple physical/mental stimulation.

Orchid-:</li> </ul>
 The opposite of Cupio, a person who experiences forms of attraction, but does not desire a relationship.

Bellus-:</li> </ul>
 A person who is uncomfortable with, repulsed by, or does not want a relationship, but is ok with traditional expressions of attraction when devoid from the expectation of relationship.

Quoi-/Nebula-:</li> </ul>
 A person who finds feelings of attraction confusing. Not necessarily that they do not feel them, but simply do not know what they feel like, or cannot express them outwardly, even if they are felt internally. Quoi people often are unable to distinguish feelings of romantic, sexual, platonic or aesthetic attraction, and will get them confused. Quoi may also be used to describe people who simply have not explored themselves enough to understand their desires (or lack thereof) and wish to use a label in the meantime.

Recipro-:</li> </ul>
 A person who does not feel expressions of attraction unless they know the other person is attracted to them first.

Jump:</li> </ul>
A person who is naturally Allo-attracted but sometimes feels intense and unpredictable spikes of Aro-attraction.

Spike:</li> </ul>
The opposite of jump, where a person who is generally Aro-attracted, feels unpredictable or intense feelings of Allo-attraction.

Inact-:</li> </ul>
A person who experiences attraction, and desires a relationship with someone, but is repulsed or averse to the form of attraction. An example might be someone who is sex repulsed, with a high libido.

Iamvano-/Accipio-:</li> </ul>
A person who experiences forms of attraction but may be ambivalent towards or repulsed by expressions of attraction. For instance, someone who enjoys receiving sexual acts, but does not enjoy giving them.

Placio-:</li> </ul>
The opposite of above, a person who enjoys performing expressions of attraction for other individuals but does not want them reciprocated, through repulsion, ambivalence, or otherwise.

Caligo-:</li> </ul>
A person who does feel the form of attraction, but finds them very weak, or unnoticeable, or almost non existent.

Adex-:</li> </ul>
Often confused with Aego, who lose interest in a relationship due to a disconnect between their attraction and their self, Adex will lose interest or be repulsed due to the disconnect between their attraction and the other person.

Pomo-:</li> </ul>
A person who refuses or avoids fitting into any label, like the ones above. People who are Pomo often challenge categorisation in favour of transgressivism. Some may even use the term to help them fit into a group while they question their self-understanding. (Yes I understand the irony of categorising people who refuse to be categorised, thank you.)

Suptilia/Omnia:</li> </ul>
A person who does not feel attraction to another person or never will under any circumstances.
Ace Microaggressions</h1>
Microaggressions happen a lot, here’s how to not do them.

Erasure:</li> </ul>
The denial that asexuality or aromanticism or other nonconventional forms of attraction is real. Examples include, dismissive language, ignoring or trying to “explain” Ace feelings through justifications or logical steps. Sexual preferences cannot be explained, they are innate features of a person’s experience.

Hetero/Amato-normativity:</li> </ul>
The insistence or assumption that heteroconformist relationships are the norm or should be desired. Understanding that not everyone expresses desire for normative relationships is critical.

Compulsory language:</li> </ul>
The assumption that everyone feels or should feel forms of attraction or should adhere to the convention. Compulsory language frames Heteronormative relationships as the center or peak of the human experience, and creates an “ideal world” where a human is unable to express their ace-ness. Framing a world in this way is hateful and erasive in nature.
“Fixing” Asexuals</h2>
 Asexuality is not sexual preference; it is a sexual identity. You can no more fix someone who is asexual, than you can fix someone who is gay(if you think you can do that, maybe just stop reading). Sexuality is not determined by fear, regret, trauma, personal choice, or past experiences. Sexual identity is simply who you are in the same way a someone can know what gender(s), if any, they’re attracted to without having dated anyone of that gender(s).
Charting asexuality</h3>
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Art created by redditor Holiday-Bag-9220</a>
Additional Reading about asexuality:
https://www.oulgbtq.org/acearo-mythbusting.html</a>
This has been a guest contributor article by Kabbyyss. Ia does not have social media accounts and so cannot be credited beyond name. The easiest way to get in contact with ia would be to DM XeniaDemonheart on Discord and ask for Kabbyyss. </div>

Xenia's Transphobia Trauma

2026-03-13T00:00:00+00:00

Xenia Get The Fuck Out Fund: Ko-fi Link</a>
 Okay. Alright. This is gonna be a rough one to write y’all. So like, we don’t HAVE to write this one, some might say we shouldn’t. But we want to have an oral record of our traumas. A vague history they happened at all. Justification for the donation drive donations we receive. Ability to call this back if we wish to for memory.
Or a police report.

Transphobia, bigotry. Upsetting and shocking recollections of bigotry. </blockquote>
 So, we found out we were trans around age 28. We sat on it for a year and did literally nothing other than change our pronouns online and among our friends. Make sure we wanted to do things, make sure we weren’t going to change our mind, scared to do anything for obvious reasons. We did not change our mind. We were going to transition, and fight whatever battles we had to for our identity and appearance.
 We went to a clinic at age 29 and started hormones. Informed consent is awesome. Somewhere shortly before or after, we told our mother. Our family is rather conservative. Soft to hard right conservatives and republicans. We knew most of them would not respect us, like the decision, laugh at us. However, our mother had always been kind to us and fought for us over the years. She understood our autism and social anxiety needs the best. She helped us with appointments, she kept us generally away from harm by the family. If not for her presence, we would be homeless. The men of our family would have cast us out soon after we turned 16/18 and did not work. We did not work for over a decade. She always defended us from the worst of things.
 We would of course tell her first. And we did tell her, that we were trans. She was taken aback. Mouth agape. Just kind of horrified. She didn’t really have an answer for us right then, she told us give her a night to sleep on it and come to her own conclusions. We allowed that.
 She did not support our transition. She did not like it one bit. However, she viewed our bodily autonomy as paramount as an adult. She would not block our medicine or make us stop the medication. She was not going to help us with any bit of it. She would do all kinds of things to help us with medical issues and resources. Drive us to appointments (We have a crippling fear of driving), be there in the room with us explaining various things of our conditions to doctors, buy our prescriptions when needed. She would not do any of that for our transition related items. No drives, no buying prescriptions, not being there for us. We arranged rides with our little sister instead, who was vaguely supportive. We were determined to do this.
 We wanted to try and touch base with our mother. We offered to talk to her about our identity, why we do the things we do, how our medication works. She was uninterested in hearing so, and cast us out of her room when asked. She was resolute in not letting us talk much about our transition. She actually seemed to prefer listening to detransitioners, based on some things she said to us. She got her info from the anti-trans sources, not from us, not from positive trans sources, not from doctors.
 Over the coming months, our mother would get meaner and nastier with trans related things. Questioning us. Digging at us with insults. Generally being unhelpful.
“Why do you want to transition now, you didn’t want to wear dresses as a kid?” “Why do you want to grow breasts? I hate my breasts.” “How are you going to afford The Surgery? That’s really expensive.” “Trump said there were only two genders in an order today.” “Trump is probably going to take away your pills, you know that right?”
 An uneasy peace settled for a couple years. We told no one else but our little sister and mother. And they told almost no one else in the family (we’ll get to that). Our hormones did their slow job. They might work just a tick slower because we are older than you should be, ideally, to start hormones. Even past second male puberty, which we were horrified to learn was a thing. We did not buy girly clothes or makeup for a very long time.
 We were always tempted but also not tempted to tell more of the family. Our mother heard this, and she forbade that we tell our grand parents. “They are going to die soon, you’ll give them a heart attack.”
…
 She meant this literally by the way. She strongly felt we would give our grand parents a heart attack if we told them we were trans. We despised this arrangement, but for various reasons we could not fight it, or felt we couldn’t, being smart anyway. We were jobless, penniless. If the family wanted us gone, we would be on the streets with no one and nowhere to go to. Our own wants or thoughts on the matter did not matter at all. We have the wish to tell our grand parents our real name and identity before they die. We think that’s a very natural want, tell these people our important info and things important to us before they go to the next life. The rest of our family disagrees. It is not important that we do that, strictly unwanted. Fuck you.
 2 years into our transition. We’ve decided to go for a goth girl vibe in some clothes buying. We buy on depop, used and extremely cheap mostly. Getting our first skirt, and it’s a truly wonderful experience. Got our ears pierced. Found out we have a ton of gender euphoria from putting on nylon and fishnet arm sleeves? Interesting. Bought a few dresses, but sadly they don’t fit our frame even though we buy in XL. We’re enjoying shaving and body shaving, the effects of it at least, having to shave far too often to try and stave off gender dysphoria.
 Our stepdad is a Trumper and qanon conspiracy theorist. He is highly bigoted and we hate so many of his views. We stay silent and do not argue and do not engage. There is no point. He is unsavable. Most of this family is unsavable from bigotry and hate and racism. He plays political commentary out loud in the TV room, and near the kitchen, and in the kitchen often, off his phone. Listening to Peterson and Shapiro and the like. Fox News. Drives us mad, we get isolating headphones and noise canceling earbuds to at least be able to make food in mild peace.
 Our biological dad we have not spoken to in a long time. When getting his number from our mother, once more she knew and suspected we wanted to talk our transness. “He probably will not support that you know.”
One time, before we transitioned, our mother found out non-binary people exist. In the conversation, she turns to us “Don’t do that to me, please. Anything but that.”
She was mostly okay with us being bi/gay.
She was less okay with the idea of us being non-binary. (We never told her that one moment when we were using she/they/he pronouns, hehe)
She was furious and upset at our transness.
 We wear glasses. We’d had the same ones for a few years now. Our mother had once remarked she wanted to replace our prescription every year for us, for the prescription changing with eye age. In the middle of a supermarket, we asked her if we could get new glasses. She was immediately suspicious and frowning “I’m not going to buy your girly shit for you.”
“When [your stepdad] comes home, you need to stop wearing your pink socks and your hair clip stuff.” “He will not support this, he will kick us out on the street” “Even your sister knows that.”
Me: “Fuck you, fuck everything you’re saying right now. SHARON was disappointed in you. No one would support you in what you’re saying right now. Not my doctors, not random people. Your bigotry, your transphobia is fucked up. For that matter I’M disappointed in you.
You’re a terrible fucking mother.“
And then, our brother.
Our brother has already been violent with us a few times in the past. He deals with anger issues and he has… loose morals.
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 So. We send a few texts to our mom, after arguing for some months, and in the recent week things elevating more and more. We just want her to understand us and see us as an equal and let us explain transness and be out to her and the rest of the family. We want our name and pronouns to be used. Simple stuff. So.
We also send a few texts coming out to our brother’s girlfriend, talking to her about transness a bit. Some oddity, but she seems mostly supportive.
The next morning…
…
…
We can’t fully recount this one. Not again at least. We are going to just give you pictures from shortly after the event, when we first recounted it.
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 Our brother assaulted us. On hearing the stories from our mother and his girlfriend of our attempts to get our identity recognized, our name and pronouns used. He enjoyed assaulting us. He took cruel pleasure in assaulting us. He further threatened us if we were to continue asking for our name and pronouns to be used, and revealing our identity to the rest of the family.
We no longer feel safe here. We are no longer going to try and bargain or plead with these people. We choose to leave. As soon as possible. As fast as possible.
If you wish to help,
Xenia Get The Fuck Out Fund: Ko-fi Link</a>

Rehabilitation VS Retribution

2026-03-07T00:00:00+00:00

The following is a collab post between ourselves and Medley, you can find her main websites at Github</a> and Ko-Fi</a> </div>
⚧ Xenia Demonheart ☭: She’s so very, very, kind. Intelligent. She embodies xenia so well, indeed. We wish we could date her. We are very aware of the line and very mindful of it. But we will have our wishes and dreams anyway. We feel great doubt that we will find someone that matches our preferences as closely as she does again. Our views on life and the world and how to treat people, and how to treat us.
⚧ Xenia Demonheart ☭: Amused at the thought that we absolutely require our potential romantic partner to embody xenia within themself to see them at all as dateable. One of the very few disagreements we came across in one of our exes in poking his brain was his adamant opinion on the death penalty. He felt very strongly that murderers and pedophiles deserved death.
We feel very strongly that not a single innocent person be put to death.
Not. A. Single. One.
⚧ Xenia Demonheart ☭: And there is absolutely zero assurance when you are putting prisoners to death and only assuming the evidence is good, the case is just, they were not framed, or lied to. Or self incriminated themself to protect a loved one.
Medley: Are you familiar with the the following thought experiment?
If you discovered that there was some truth to the ideal of hell and heaven and were allowed to choose, after being accepted into some variant of heaven that suits you, whether everyone should go to heaven or whether some version of Abrahamic judgement should remain in place?
In short, would you allow the worst of humanity into heaven in exchange for saving the rest or would you allow innocents who believed “wrongly” to linger in hell in order to punish the wicked?“
Medley:To address one of your previous points
 It seems like the very existence of [Anonymous] has given you hope that there are people who will love, understand and accept you, on romantic, sexual, and platonic levels.
⚧ Xenia Demonheart ☭: Not familiar with it, but understandable. We would put everyone in heaven immediately. Without a thought. Eternal damnation and suffering in hell is too great a punishment for literally anything.
Some people deserve punishment. Some people deserve a lot of punishment.
 No one deserves eternal, unending agony. Not a single person in history. We feel time heals all wounds, and injustices, eventually. [Anonymous]’ existence has indeed given us hope on finding more people we will love and be loved by. It is bittersweet.
 We also feel that a grand majority of people are good. A grand majority of people have meant well and been kind. It is truly a very, very, very small minority of people in humanity and history that are evil, or monsters, or are malicious.
 So when thinking about humanity as a whole, thinking about the ratio of good that deserve heaven and ratio of evil that “deserve hell”, very, very easily if only one binary choice is available for the whole group, the whole group broadly deserves heaven.
Medley: Sometimes
 It seems like people are more concerned with the idea of “bad” people being punished rather than protecting the innocent. If you are certain that the death penalty works, in effect that no one who is innocent will be wrongfully executed, then what practical benefit is there to actually executing someone if you have a perfect legal system where only the guilty get incarcerated?
 What practical use is there to punishing people if it doesn’t yield tangible benefits? Hell is the perfect example of that. What good is eternal torment? Who benefits from it? What wrongs does it right? Oblivion would be more efficient and kinder by our reckoning.
Thank you for answering.
⚧ Xenia Demonheart ☭: We do begin to greatly believe in rehabiliation rather than punishment and “justice”
 Drug users should be given rehab, medical settings and hospices to detox and to be given education on managing addiction. Enrichment, new hobbies explored, therapy to understand how to deal with sadness and desperation in kinder ways to themself.
 Pedophiles should have restraining orders to stay away from places where children roam, and be given therapy and counseling to control their urges and redirect their sexual urges to consensual and adult matters.
 Murderers should be removed from their current life and shipped elsewhere. Given thorough education, counseling, and anger management. The reason why they murdered being key to understand who they should be around and level of trust of them. Political education and therapy for hate crimes.
 It’s become very obvious republicans and conservatives believe in the opposite. They do not love or care about these people as human beings, they wish others to suffer who have been cruel, people they feel comfortable putting into suffering now that it is Valid to Make them suffer.
 They enjoy having a class of person who they can be cruel to in a societally acceptable fashion. And it’s a nice bonus to them that those in prison are very often minorities; people of color, LGBT+, foreigners. Ever so delightful to cause misery to these classes.
Medley: There is a delineation between people and those deemed not quite human. You might enjoy this paper about dehumanization.
Human rights, rationality, and sentimentality by Richard Rorty</a>
Causing harm is often the point of conservative legislature. Hurting those deemed non-compliant rather than actually addressing problems.
⚧ Xenia Demonheart ☭:
The Cruelty Is The Point.

Xenia Get The Fuck Out Fund

2026-03-07T00:00:00+00:00

Ko-Fi</a>
I’m officially in an abusive household/family situation for a trans person and need to escape. I was physically assaulted and threatened with violence for asking my family use my name and pronouns and respect me. I’m seeing what escape plans and/or couches I can find. Donations and money heavily appreciated. I control my own cash accounts solely, my family does not have access to them. Please help if you can. I live in USA, southern Arizona, Casa Grande for any offers of shelter or any advice for where to go. Screenshots of mild proof in bluesky thread and further explanation.
Bluesky thread</a>
Ko-Fi</a> </div>
The Cruelty Is The Point.

The Rising Tide of Transphobia

2026-02-24T00:00:00+00:00

I don't even know where to start to a degree.</div>
 There has always been transphobia around me ever since I was an adult capable of understanding people and politeness and social justice. It was on forums, comment sections, it was in movies and TV shows. Though I would not understand the media aspect of transphobia until I actually transitioned. And then rewatched certain clips in a new light, understood just what the joke of laughing at men in skirts would accomplish.
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 I was against bigotry early on, and seeked to understand how to be polite and kind to gay and trans people alike. I think I knew early on that trans people faced a lot of prejudice, it was much the same of gay and bi people hatred to high school me. I knew early on it was mean and cruel to be mean to a trans person in regards to their transness. Treat people how you wish to be treated was taught to me and imprinted on me at a very young age. The Golden Rule. I have wondered sometimes why that was so unique to my schooling. I knew vaguely of a trans man that had newly transitioned in my highschool, but never spoke to him directly or was friends with him before or after. I found out I was bi in highschool, I was always rather progressive, most likely said some stupid and wrong things as a teenager still though. I found out I was trans around 29 years old, 2 years of HRT now and soon to be 33.
 My lived experience of growing to know and accept trans people, and becoming trans myself, finds cis people wanting whenever they act like they are too young or too old or in too different of a culture to possibly understand trans people or how to be kind to trans people. I understood how to be kind to trans people at the ripe age of 16 you fucking assholes. With my parents and my school teachers having taught me nothing.

I’m going to talk about scarring transphobia examples aplenty. </blockquote>

Trans people be advised. </blockquote>
 On a forum I frequented there was an incident where during the making of a visual novel dating sim, featuring the characters of the forum goers themselves, one high profile member had argued that a trans member’s gender should be the gender they were before for the game, not the one they are now. Or some such bigoted thing, I do not remember the details mostly. Despite thousands of posts submitted to the forum, that member was banned and would be infamous for being a transphobe. Forever after.
 Transphobia has ramped up in previous years it feels like and it turns out. There was always transphobia, no doubt. The nazis burning of The Institute of Sexology in 1933. But the news cycle, living in the USA in 2026, the republicans in general being in power, both in administration and in a great many states, means they can push whatever they so desire. And they desire to push hatred. White hot, scarring, mind destroying, hatred. I know that at least in politics and in terms of law and in terms of Press, transphobia has ramped up to the maximum. It is cloyying. It is ever present. It is suffocating. It is endless. And it is so fucking annoying.
 In terms of online culture, the everyday person, transphobia may be getting slightly worse. But in my online circles at least we are always cushioned against experiencing transphobia. Discords and message boards and SOME subreddits are a much needed escape from transphobia. Even the lightest liberal tends to feel that transphobia has no place in polite conversation. A general ruleset banning bigotry of any kind; racism, sexism, transphobia, tends to make most online spaces halfway pleasant if not more. To be honest such things are the only thing that keeps trans people sane I feel. To be surrounded by transphobia in media, press, by family, by folks walking by on the street, but to receive a reprieve from the hate when going into nerdy and lefty spots online. I am not myself in my waking physical reality, but I am surrounded by love and care and well-wishers online, who see me for the real me.
</a>
They told us they were only going to go after trans women in sports for sportsmanship reasons.
That was a lie.
They told us they were only going to go after trans children who “should not be transitioning so young”.
That was a lie.
They told us that we would only be barred from talking about transness in school to “protect children”, they told us that in order to do right by parents trans children should be outted to their parents. They told us trans books have no place in schools.
That was a lie.
They are now telling us they will only be going after trans people in prison and detransitioning them, which is horrible regardless.
That is also undoubtedly a lie.
They told you that trans people are predators and pedophiles. That was of course a lie. We are nowhere near the primary suspects of being predators, pedophiles, killers.
We are in fact more likely to be killed, preyed on, sexually assaulted.
</a>
 I look forward to when the republican administration goes after HRT and trans surgeries. They have already attempted to knock off military individuals and their children off trans care, I do not know what happened to that one. Estrogen and testosterone are hard to ban because cis people use them freely and often. It is always kind of amusing. Cis people are able to access gender affirming care and hormone medication without anyone batting an eye. A trans person trying to access hormone medication is an abomination, a monstrosity, a tragedy. They must be stopped at all costs. Prevent their care, put up as many walls as possible, psychoanalyze them to make SURE they are trans, hold off their appointments for months and years. Do Your Sworn Duty To Prevent As Many Trans People From Existing As Possible.
 The hand of transphobia reaches far, and it reaches deep, and it has quite the coinpurse to fund any number of right wing politicians and influencers.
 Perhaps most infuriating is always the newspapers and reporters to me however. Supposedly centrist outfits, supposedly interested in The Truth, supposedly benign members of the public who would not act maliciously. The New York Times, The Guardian, The Independent, Fox News… these people endanger us so much more than your average person, influencer, even politicians. “Just asking questions”, “just reporting the facts”, “just making sure kids are safe”. Generally I want you to know the news reporting outfits in the US are right wing funded and leaning. Politics in the US has just wedged farther and farther right with each passing year, voting cycle, and new round of funding for what news media and artful media is allowed to exist. Democrats themselves are anti-trans, fuck you specifically Newsom, and are not fucking helpful very often at all. News reporters are going to be responsible for the deaths of thousands of trans people. Anti trans articles and concepts have ramped up to the highest degree of late. “Family” oriented organizations are organized to educate parents as much as possible to detransition their children. An absolute unending cascade of news articles that can only result in more trans deaths. I have personally looked into some of the Twitter timelines and opinions of some of these reporters. They are rotting garbage masquerading as human beings. I hope the lot of them burn in the Christian Hell for all of eternity.
</a>
 I grow weary of cis people so defending the Idol that is to be cis. They defend it in so many infuriating ways. They dislike trans people transitioning. They dislike our names, usernames, and our choices, and they especially dislike our bodily autonomy. They dislike trans people looks and fashion, our very clothes. They dislike our medicine and our euphoria. They dislike when trans people defend themselves and arm themselves. They dislike our children and our parents. They dislike our voices and our makeup. They dislike even other cis people so much as flirting with the idea of transness. They will be cruel to other cis people in the name of even possibly being cruel to a potential trans person. They hunt us for sport, for pleasure, to get their rocks off.
 Today I woke up and watched a Bluesky clip of a cis male Twitch streamer wearing a dress in his living room, his father coming home, dumbstruck at the display, and immediately starting to try and beat the shit out of his son. The boy had made it obvious he was filming, likely the dad knew the son was a Twitch streamer. Even without transphobia in the picture, his assault being caught on camera is a very stupid move. His hatred of transness was so paramount, so white hot, that it did not matter to him his love of his son, his ability to stay out of prison, his ability to exist in a public speaking capacity without controversy. It did not even matter to him that the son had only put on a dress likely for some stream reward or bet, not exactly a genuine want. Not something that would be a continuing pattern. A. Single. Other. Time. Of Wearing a fashion item of the opposite gender. (Although unfitting at the moment to mention, men and women’s fashion has swapped over the years. Men used to wear dresses, used to wear makeup (South Korean men currently wear makeup and have highly advanced skin care routines), used to wear pink. Nothing is ever a truly fixed point when it comes to mankind and the history</a> of our world.)
There is starting to be bounty programs to report trans people for having used “The Wrong Bathroom”
There are starting to be lists</a> and attempted lists of tracking trans people by name and identification.
Our passports and IDs are being revoked.
Hospitals are being highly encouraged and threatened to give no trans care at all.
 A good lot of this absolute hunt of trans people apparently comes down the line from simply a few rich people. They seek to use us and scapegoat us for whipping their audience into a fury. They also just personally find us disgusting. A direct line to Epstein having known about us and funding efforts to disenfranchise us. They want us out of employment, away from positions of power. They want us used as sex objects and nothing more.
 Most cis people are aware of how ridiculous this is to so try and control the gender and gender presentation of others. I have seen every now and then even republican polling saying that basically republican voters are sick of hearing about trans people. To a certain degree the most likely opinion a person can hold on us is neutrality. To not care about us, our choices, and even to want us to be as invisible as possible. Dust to be brushed under a rug and put down.
 Let me be clear. Trans people gender euphoria is important for our continued lives, happiness, and existence. We feel like absolute shit when we do not wear the opposite clothes, do not look like the opposite gender, are not called our real names and pronouns. We do not survive without gender euphoria. This is not something we do on a whim or because it is only Fun. We do it to survive and we do it for happiness and we do it at great pain to ourselves. My life would be so much simpler and happier if I could be happy living as a man. But I am not happy. I am depressed and I am a whirling tornado of scalding fury. For simply being the person I am and the person I want to be, for simply transitioning I am doomed to a life of disrespect, anger, humiliation, bigotry, transphobia.
</a>
(Good lord I wasn't even trans at the time of that comment/for that video)</div>
I will face more suffering the more I attempt to be who I want to be. For the rest of my life, however long or short it may be. I do not ask for cis people to have sympathy for myself or my trans kin. I do not ask for mercy. I know there is none in your cold, dead, hearts.
My own mother does not wish a happy, living daughter. She wishes a dead son.
You can take my gender away from my cold, dead hands.

Transfem Body and Face Shaving

2026-01-08T00:00:00+00:00

 Personally I like using a safety blade razor for Everything. Face, body, limbs. Generally there are five-ish types of razor. Disposables, safety razor, electric razor, electric (grill) razor, epilators. I haven’t used the last two, I cannot comment on them, and they are more expensive anyway. We have an easy crown king champ for both budget and usefulness ratio, and that’s safety razor. </iframe>
</a>
</a>
 I’ll be referring to this Matpat video for some details because it’s useful for some of my points. Keep in mind the video is about and aimed at cis guys, but we can do some takeaways by process of elimination.
But #1: Safety razors are absurdly cheap. 20usd for a decent Amazon special safety razor and 10usd for 100 blades that will last probably 3 years. VS paying 80usd for an electric razor that will need new proprietary blades in a year, or paying 5usd for a disposable razor that will last for 1-5 uses.
Before</h2>
</a>
After</h2>
</a>
 My routine personally is to body shave every 4-7 days, and shave my face basically every day unless depression gets to me that day. Hot water and exfoliation is your best friend, it weakens the hair and makes it less likely to make mistakes/hurt yourself. What is exfoliation? Exfoliating is simply rubbing a wash cloth or loofah over the area you’ll soon remove hair from. It’ll remove dead skin and probably some other stuff on a molecular level.
 So yeah I mean, people don’t go with safety razors and they’re sadly not popular because they’re sharp and technically dangerous. But if you’re careful and learn slowly I truly think most people will be fine. I made something like 4ish small mistakes with safety razor shaving, small 1cm or less slices. 1cm slice on my ankle. Going over my kneecaps and not being careful about a rounded spot. (Be very careful around rounded spots) But now months into using safety razor and I love it and basically don’t make mistakes anymore.
 SHAVING CREAM IS COMPLETELY OPTIONAL I ASSURE YOU. YOU DO NOT NEED IT. IT IS SPECIFICALLY IF YOUR HAIR NEEDS INSTANT HYDRATING OR YOU HAVE A HAIR TYPE THAT SPECIFICALLY NEEDS IT. I AIN’T USED SHAVING CREAM. IT’S SPECIFICALLY MADE FOR PEOPLE WITH JOBS WHO NEED A VERY QUICK SHAVE IN THE MORNING AND THEN OUT THE DOOR, IF YOU GOT THE TIME FOR A HOT SHOWER, OR EVEN WARMING UP YOUR SINK FAUCET, YOU DO NOT NEED SHAVING CREAM
 Matpat and co in that above video end up not liking safety razors because they, as cis masculine guys, end up LIKING a bit of stubble and five o’ clock shadow left over. Especially from electric shavers. What does that mean for us transfems? That means safety razors are PERFECT for our use case of wanting as little hair on our face as possible.
Before</h2>
</a>
After</h2>
</a>
 For crotch and butt, I do shave crotch related hair with the safety razor, but I did take my time getting GOOD with one before attempting that area. I lightly recommend Trying the razor-less solution Magic Powder</a> for crotch and butt hair. It basically melts hair off of you chemically. It works for some people, and for some people they find it hard to mix properly or it doesn’t work quite right for their skin or hair. I HIGHLY recommend a spot test if you buy some Magic Powder.
(Nothing on this page is sponsored btw, no sponsored/affiliate links either, literally just talking supplies I use in my every day normally)
 Now a safety razor won’t get rid of all the hair even if it is just about the closest shave you can get easily. You still have the “bud” of the “plant”, if you have dark hair like I do pepper-ish spots will remain. These you would want to cover up with makeup concealer</a>, and if you wanted to get rid of hair permanently, well that’s obviously when laser and electrolysis comes into play. SADLY THE STATE OF ARIZONA DOES NOT COVER LASER HAIR REMOVAL UNDER MEDICAID SO IDK WHEN I’M EVER GONNA BE ABLE TO AFFORD THAT SHIT.
</a>

Xenia

2026-01-03T00:00:00+00:00

Xenia means you help your neighbors escape immigration police.
Xenia means you feed, house, and respect the homeless,
regardless of what got them there.
Xenia means you do the work to unlearn racism, misogyny, homophobia, fatphobia, ableism, and transphobia.
Xenia means you treat criminals and felons
as human beings worthy of dignity and respect.
Xenia means you make your environments less overstimulating
if you know you’ll be with an autistic person.
Xenia means Fuck The Police.
Xenia means you talk to the elderly neighbor who’s
living on their own, and has nobody in their life.
Xenia means respecting your trans friends identities
even when they’re not present.</div>
</a>
“Xenia</a> is an ancient Greek concept of hospitality. It is almost always translated as ‘guest-friendship’ or ‘ritualized friendship’.It is an institutionalized relationship rooted in generosity, gift exchange, and reciprocity. Historically, hospitality towards foreigners and guests was understood as a moral obligation, as well as a political imperative.”
</a>
 Xenia as a name and concept to me is one of ultimate kindness and societal community. It’s the concept of being kind to strangers, or the unknown passersby, or the elderly, or the mentally ill, as much as possible for as long as possible. It’s about feeding the homeless and those down on their luck. But just as much kindness as in xenia as there is, there is anger and justice as well. You are not kind to those who have hurt others, you are not kind to police, you are not kind to fascists and nazis.
</a>
 This may or may not be a bastardization slightly of the original concept of xenia, which only speaks of kindness and not of justice. But I CHOOSE to inject my modern punk</a> values into this ancient concept and mold it to my worldview. I CHOOSE to believe that justice IS kindness ultimately. Infinite kindness is just as deadly to community as infinite visciousness is. Xenia is about knowing who is in power, that power structures exist, and about being kind to those who are not in power and are not ultimately a threat to you. Xenia is about being against the death penalty, while doing our best to topple the power structures that puts the weak and mentally ill to death. </iframe>
 Kindness to strangers is impossible when people are not allowed to BE strangers. The United States is currently against immigration, against the homeless, against the very concept of travel. Clinging to the absurd concept of borders and walls, gating their communities, rebuffing strangers in favor of only the Known, The Powerful, The White. Xenia as a concept goes against the values of the average American citizen, and so be it. They are wrong on a great many principles, on a great many aspects of morality and kindness as a whole.
</a>

Let them practice their hatred</a>, we will practice xenia. </div>

Xenia-isms

2025-12-29T00:00:00+00:00

AKA Bwarch-isms
Xenia-isms are first defined by innocence,
and then by malicious spite til the end of days. </iframe>
 Xenia-isms are when I mispronounce something in my head or in conversations for a good long while, before someone tells me “it’s not actually pronounced that way”, and I decide to KEEP pronouncing it that way out of sheer spite for both the informer and the english language as a whole. It is indeed innocent at first, I am a book and online reader and often have to guess at pronounciations, and out loud conversations come up relatively not that often for me.
 The first of these that was ever unearthed was indeed gif, which would normally be pronounced “giff” or “jiff”, and instead I say “jife”, akin to “knife”. Because there were the two camps already created and this online flame war has been happening since the beginning of (internet) time, I felt zero need whatsoever to course correct. Language is silly and malleable and I decided to form it into my ideal structure by sheer force of will.
Xenia-isms by preference can be word pronounciations but sometimes entire phrases or structure of a sentence.
Other Xenia-isms unlocked so far:
Key: base (Xenia way) {actual way}

gif (jife)</li>
unmitigated (un-might-uh-gated) {unmit-uh-gated}</li>
aesthetic (ae-es-thetic) {us-thetic}</li>
berated (bear-ated) {burated}</li>
appointment (I’m going to a psychologist hookup on friday)</li>
plaidd (Played) {Plad}</li>
willy nilly (nilly willy)</li>
blahaj (Blah-hodge) {blo-high}</li> </ul>
</a> </iframe>
Feb 20th 2024</h3>
noelle: how do you personally pronounce GUI?
noelle: G-U-I or do y’all actually say guey
Sister Azzy: gee you I
noelle: Same
Capt. Lix Skye: G-U-I
noelle: Based
⚧ Xenia Demonheart ☭: Gooey
noelle: whenigottakilltonyhawkintheracewar.gif
Capt. Lix Skye: I do not believe you
⚧ Xenia Demonheart ☭: bocchigivemethatdoritosdumbass.gif
noelle: dfiugdsfgjkdsfgdfsg
Capt. Lix Skye: I don’t think there’s a human alive that says it like that
noelle: The reason I asked is because the guy in this one video said like gooey as well
⚧ Xenia Demonheart ☭: I would say it’s common enough to be two parties.
⚧ Xenia Demonheart ☭: Much like gif
noelle: From looking at it online it seems like gooey is more common for millenials/90s kids, and GUI is something from later
⚧ Xenia Demonheart ☭: Interesting
hoof: gooey gang
hoof: I also say yerl [URL]
Capt. Lix Skye: HUH. WHAT. I’VE. HUH.
hoof: I think a lot of ppl who call computers/phones/tablets/etc “machines” probably fall into this category
⚧ Xenia Demonheart ☭: I fuckin love yerl, thank you for this gift
Sister Azzy: don’t ask bwarch how they say gif
Capt. Lix Skye: im scared
Sister Azzy: so you know how everyone says it like gif, but the correct way of saying it is jif?
Sister Azzy: guess which way bwarch says it
⚧ Xenia Demonheart ☭: [Above video link]
Capt. Lix Skye:
IM SORRY</h1>
JIFE?????</h1>
Capt. Lix Skye: You’ve thrown me into a Covid induced coughing laughing fit
Capt. Lix Skye: there’s no fucking way
Capt. Lix Skye: JIFE???
puyo plop: I fucking love jife
Sister Azzy: you just can’t handle jife
puyo plop: Jife has been in my lexicon ever since that damn video
⚧ Xenia Demonheart ☭: I’m so glad
sinyk: i love bwarchisms until i hear one and it induces pain in me </iframe>

My Experience Living With Ulcerative Colitis

2025-12-21T00:00:00+00:00

Stomach disease, so, diarrhea and blood are mentioned </blockquote>
So, lemme tell y’all about the year I almost mc-fucking-died.
 It’s 2020, height of the covid pandemic. My family needs money so I’m doing Doordash to pay for part of the bills. I am stressed… Out of my goddamn mind. The pandemic and masking and lack of vaccines and finances are weighing on me. My family is refusing to vaccinate. I’m having problems with the job. I deal with clinical anxiety in myself. There’s always something going wrong everyday when you’re doing Doordash. We accidentally don’t pick up all items. The restaurant doesn’t GIVE us all items. The customer puts in a wrong or badly done address. Making calls and texts, sometimes not picked up of course. Navigating labyrinthian apartment complexes in the dark. Oh the app has gone down and we’re stranded with hot food going cold. We keep getting 3 dollar order requests (no tip) and the app is silently pushing us to accept them anyway even though we’d lose money making 6 dollars an hour taking 3 dollar orders that take 30mins a piece to do on average.
 I come down with a stomach ache one day. Real bad one. We stop immediately for the day. I get worse and not better later on. I start bleeding, shitting blood. Sometimes I can feel acid at the back of my throat. We try to look for answers and guidance. GERD is my first thought. Lactose intolerance is floated. My docs prescribe pills and give light diet plans. I’m given antibiotics. I’m put on Prednisone at some point I think at this stage.
 I do not improve, not for very long ever. I am in screaming, crying agony. I vomit stomach acid, and vomit normally sometimes. I become very scared of food in general. I go to the hospital emergency room at one point. This whole process of being in ever present creeping pain, this confusion, lasts a year. It torments me for months. I am called by my GP office after I do blood work.
"You have a milk and shell fish allergy."
?
???
????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
 She hangs up. I spend years thinking this is the cause of my problems, or at least part of it. It doesn’t make sense to me. It is utter bullshit. Milk doesn’t cause my issues, and you cannot physically diagnose a milk allergy from blood work. My eventual gastro is baffled. This year, in 2025, I take a glass of milk and drink it. Nothing. After avoiding it in its raw form for years. I hit up my first gastoentologist, stomach doctor expert, he’ll know what’s up. For sure. Definitely. Absolutely.
 On my intake paperwork, I put down all my symptoms + “I have depression and anxiety”. I’ve had them for years, I don’t think they’re directly related, but I always put down all my stats for docs to know anyway, full picture. He tells me “You have anxiety and depression, you are squeezing your colon, lessen those symptoms to aid your stomach.” He does the gastro doc butt check. He tells me I have hemoroids. I am fucking baffled.
 My symptoms do not improve. I have this horrendous exhaustion. I lay on the floor a lot, randomly. I’m so physically tired. I’m confused. I’m bleeding. I’m desperately trying to get my autistic brain to cooperate with meal plans low in acid, struggling to eat healthy and unproblematic food. I ask about my gastro to a different doctor from my GP, I ask if he’s known and good. She shakes her head. She will professionally not comment, but she obviously does not like him. At all. I go back to my GP for a second opinion gastro. Possibly on looking up my first gastro on google maps reviews and seeing lots of negative reviews.
 I go to second opinion gastro. She says “I’m pretty sure you have either Crohn’s Disease or Ulcerative Colitis. But we need to check to be sure on treatment plan. I’m ordering an immediate colonoscopy for you. Please do it.” The first gastro never once mentioned or was going to do a colonscopy. I am 28 years old going for a colonscopy and going to gastros for things normally 50+ olds do. I am put on the BRAT diet, bread and fruit. No spicy allowed, or spices, or acid. Even black pepper is advocated against. I struggle to stick to the plan.
 I go to the hospital. I have a panic attack in the waiting room. Having trouble breathing, I think in the moment my asthma has come back with a vengeance. But no, just a panic attack. I am scared and high anxiety, again. Nurses give me something in IV for anxiety. They read me the rights that I might die or have complications on the procedure. I sleep.
 It’s diagnosed as Ulcerative Colitis! My new gastro tells me all about it. It’s ulcers through the colon. It’s an autoimmune disease. I have a stage 4 of 4 “Severe Case” It needs treatment before it turns into cancer, or hurts my bones, or a number of other nasty things. New diet plan. Plus, I am put on transfusion therapy. My insurance does not want me to get this therapy, they deny my claim. My gastros office calls them daily yelling at them I need this life saving medicine. I am still in pain, trying to manage UC. Lots of diarrhea. I spend time on my bathroom floor, on the cool tile, screaming, crying. I cry about the pain, but I also cry about all the insurance problems I’m having. I can’t even recall and/or find all of it.
 I go in for transfusion therapy. Avsola (infliximab-axxq). Hour long transfusions ran into my blood stream. 6 sessions in total, 1 every couple months. My UC symptoms severely go down. My gastro gains my full trust. She is nice, smart, witty. She saved my life. My transfusion therapy apparently totals for 27,000 USD. My insurance eventually pays for it all, reluctantly, begrudgingly.
</a>
 My 2nd gastro doc starts me on an oral pill, “Xeljanz”. I am still on this medicine to this day. My insurances give me problems on and off with it for a few combined months. They don’t want to pay for it. They cry foul. My gastro is insistent. Driven.
</a>
 At points I’m able to see how much this medicine would cost if forced out of pocket off insurance. 9k a month, 30 pills, once a day. Insane. Impossible. My insurances eventually relent. This medicine keeps me completely in remission. No pain, no diarrhea, no needed diet changes. Miraculous. I thought I was going to die at several points. I’m just… fine now. As long as I’m on this medicine and in remission. Sometimes I still feel fatigue. I am constipated and have to figure out ways to get my stomach to eject properly, trying five different laxatives from my gastro. Most of them give me diarrhea. Not great, but livable.
My medical nightmare lasted seemingly for 3 years, from 2020 to 2023.
 As of this month, Dec 2025, I feel like I figured out the constipation thing. I buy an OTC supplement, Psyllium Husks, for fiber. My bowel movements are regular, and not horrendous. I basically am cured. I can’t give blood or plasma donations, which sucks. I sometimes have mild fatigue. I have to be careful to not get sick, which is a hat trick around anti-vaxxers family let me tell you.
 I can eat pizza. Spices. I eat hot italian sandwiches. Honestly, I’m being stupid with it sometimes, but seemingly I can eat spicy foods again with little issue. I’m never thrown out of remission. I’m confused, looking at other UC patients on the UC subreddit. People seem to struggle so much daily with the disease. People get thrown into and out of remission. Why am I so lucky? No one mentions Xeljanz, I hear other medications I’m not familiar with. I feel bad, that things go so well for me, and not for these others with UC.
 My gastro tells me my trajectory changes science. She will advocate for Xeljanz as first line attack and not Avsola transfusions anymore. The oral medication does exactly what she wants it to do, without having a patient spend six collective hours in a hospital bed with IV getting transfusion therapy done in a strange hospital room.
Various</a> discord</a> messages</a> from these</a> years</a> and</a> months.
 I am on Medicaid, taken care of until April of next year. I started with Molina Healthcare and transferred to United Healthcare. Trump and Republicans have ordered Medicaid patients must work some hours to be applicable for Medicaid. I am afraid. I have never worked. I have no transport. I have many mental disabilities and social anxiety. I am trans. I am still struggling to attempt to get on Disability pay, having been seeking it for over a year now. US healthcare is hell. It should get better, not worse. Our healthcare is the laughing stock of the world. Nowhere else tries to bankrupt you at the hospital, or throws up false signs they are charging you thousands of dollars. Ambulances and helicopters do not cost you anything. Elsewhere, an insurance does not decide you don’t need medicine. Patients die. Doctors cry. And Republicans and US politicians in general have socialized healthcare, paid for by the uninsured taxpayer. Monsters. They are taken care of without question, the very thing they keep from us.
</a>
 My family tells me that mexicans are the problem. They are told illegals, trans people, and China are The Enemy. My family either mildly likes or loves Trump. They don’t mention his corporate bailouts, or the criminals he pardons, or the many number of rights and laws the republicans attempt to destroy every day. Every now and then, Trump or one of his cronies lobs a potshot at trans people. For how long can I be on my HRT, for how long will it be socialized medicine, for how long will I be safe from these neo nazis?
 I was saved by my 2nd gastro and socialized medicine. For now. Time will tell if Republicans break my socialized healthcare, and my tenuous mental fort to boot. I wish it were easier. I wish that some part of me was not constantly demonized by the leaders of my country. Autism. Transgender adults and trans kids. People with disabilities. Poor people who still need healthcare. Millenials. It’s so frustrating to have leaders this inept. The very people I delivered food to may very well have voted to make my life a living hell.

MTF HRT Suggestions From A Fellow Transfem

2025-12-20T00:00:00+00:00

This article touches on some aspects of sex ed </blockquote>
Okay so the way this post is gonna work is

This is not medical advice, these are medical opinions. </li>

I am going to start with simple, easy wins, nearly objective facts, and get into personal opinions and hypothetical territory as I go along, hopefully sign post it as we go. </li> </ol>
 These medical opinions are for the inquistive potential transfeminine individuals and nonbinary pals wanting some feminine traits, but focusing on individuals who want As Much Femininity As Possible As Fast As Possible. Nonbinary transfem pals click here</a> This advice comes from and thus is primarily meant for the american market, your local situation may be different. Also, not a doctor, just a transfem who has been using and researching for a couple years.
 Obvious out of the way, transfem individuals will take estradiol to receive feminine traits and lessen masculine ones. Hormone Replacement Therapy. The goal is typically to reduce testosterone and raise estradiol. US healthcare safe fields for this and normal hormone levels to aim for will be 100-400pg/mL estradiol (100+ simply gaurantees feminization) and 15-75ng/dL testosterone. Tested normally at “trough”, the 6th day of 7 day injection cycle. Transfems will usually start at near 0 estradiol and 400-600 testosterone at the beginning of therapy/before therapy. We’re decently sure that too high of levels of estradiol are harmful, even on extremely safe HRT injections. [x</a>]
(Really too high or too low of both testosterone and estrogen is bad, it is a balancing act, not a high score To Win)
Noted and potentially wanted effects:

breast growth</li>
No male pattern baldness if started soon enough before balding</li>
soft skin</li>
less oily skin/hair (sometimes reduces acne)</li>
reduced libido/spontaneous erections/semen (Your libido will usually return, eventually, and be changed for how it acts)</li>
Genital shrinkage/atrophy if not Used</a></li>
Will usually kill your sperm count (freeze it if you want it)</li>
thinning of body hair folicles (YOU WILL STILL GROW IT)</li>
Face shaping, fat redistribution (Hips)</li>
(subjectively) emotional changes/confidence changes/sexuality changes [x</a>], lessens depression, lessens brainfog</li> </ul>
Injections</h1>
(or How I learned to stop worrying and love the stab)</h2>
First, easily:
https://startwith4mgestradiolenanthateweeklyandtestatonetothreemonths.com/</a>
Start with 4mg of Estradiol Enanthate injections Weekly And Test E and T At 3 Months.
 Enanthate</a> is by far the best form of estrogen we currently have on the market, with very little downsides or risks to speak of, it suppresses testosterone on its own, and no anti-androgen or additional medicine is needed. (Cypionate and Valerate injections also do this, with some small caveats) The dosage is very average across the board, but you may have to raise or lower it depending on blood levels none the less, you test your blood levels because everyone is different and your body might EAT or REJECT estrogen more than others.
 Needle fear is a problem, but the vast majority of people can conquer their needle fear with a few injections done. (Injections are easier and less painful than routine blood work, I promise you) If you particularly struggle with needle fear, agony/freezing/running, you know to search out other medicine. I recommend going from top down for options.
Injections > Gels/Patches > Sprays > Pills. [x</a>]
 Estradiol Enanthate is currently illegal in the USA due to simply not going through the FDA yet and probably not going through for the foreseeable future. Feel free to seek it out via DIY</a> means, which are largely safe and peer review tested</a>. (You do have to figure out crypto if you go DIY route, which is bleh (understandable why but still bleh for people to figure out)) I will not be directly linking any DIY store on this page. That isn’t safe for me or them to do.
Erin Reed’s Informed Consent Clinics Map</a> These clinics will get you set up with HRT without a hassle. Planned Parenthood is okay too, mostly. Informed Consent as a model means that you’re told the risks of HRT, but given your HRT without much fuss. No psychologist/psychiatrist. No politics. Just the way it should be, you’re told the health risks and given the medicine you want. It’s simple, it’s beautiful, it should be the default. You should not have to prove your transness to a psychiatrist. There are certain “booby trap” clinics that are just conversion therapy centers in disguise, be aware. Trust your sisters and ask your sisters for safe and solid locations. Erin Reed</a> is one such sister.
 You sometimes get prescribed 18g needles for draw. These are pretty big needles that could potentially harm your vial. I recommend in the realm of 21-23g for draw, and 25g for inject. Luer lock 1ml syringes. Your carrier fluid and general vial will dictate how hard it is to push your medicine through a smaller needle. But in general american healthcare is a bit too conservative with needle size, they will have you poking your vial and yourself with bigger needles than necessary.
Injection vid tutorials: Draw</a> IM</a> SubQ</a>
</a>
 Estradiol Valerate is a popular injectable to prescribe in the american market, more often prescribed than Cypionate. It also has one problem that bugs me: Your hormone cycle is too rollercoaster on it. ESPECIALLY on the 7 days dosage. If you are prescribed 7 days Valerate and you find you have a harder time with emotions and breakdowns, heavily consider opting for 5 day dosage Valerate, or Estradiol Cypionate Injections instead.
Pills (here!)</h1>
 Transfems will usually need an antiandrogen, a medicine that suppresses testosterone specifically and only, if they use a less effective estradiol such as oral estradiol pills. Cyproterone Acetate is a very good antiandrogen, but banned in USA market because too high of dosages gave men with prostate cancer brain tumors (200mg+ vs the 12.5mg MTF HRT uses) and they didn’t give a fuck about anyone but cis men. Bicalutamide is technically legal but not often prescribed because of a healthcare scare (irrelevant, not worth your attention) and there are some liver concerns.
Smoking will inhibit your estrogen intake with oral estradiol.
 Regardless of personal stability and irl situation (usually a wreck anyway for trans people) you should get a therapist for 1-3 years of hrt/social transitioning. It’s a life transition and new and scary stuff is gonna be happening regardless of how accepting those around you are and how accepting of the process you are. My 1st gender doctor strongly advised I get a therapist and I do agree. You’re advised to get a therapist for big life changes, even something as normal as moving. HRT is no different.
I have too much traumas related to therapists. I’ve had one visit in the past two years and I immediately quit. One should not do it stupid like I am. And yes, you can get bad, terrible, or transphobic therapists. Still worth a shot.
HRT. Social transitioning. Therapist. Social safety net (friends, family). Self research into transitioning and all aspects of it, medical, social, history, politics, religion if wanted. Community resources, community centers and gatherings. Needle exchanges/harm reduction programs. Make use of everything you can.

Some opinions begin to crop up here </blockquote>
 Oral medication, pills, carry the biggest forms of health risks for transfems. Your body needs to digest the stuff, it goes around your system, most of it gets lost in your stomach, it will go through your liver. Blood clots are the most cited risk (though potentially much less a concern on modern medicine). Doctors and patients will work together in prescribing and getting prescribed higher dosages of oral medication, because patients will often be unhappy with results on minimum dosages and oral medication itself having low efficacy. Thus they will have more health problems on stacking on ineffective medication. 2-8mg oral estradiol (sublingual is good strategy) and 50-200mg spironolactone are normal US healthcare dosages to see for oral medication.
DO NOT FUCKING LET YOUR DOCTOR PRESCRIBE YOU 1MG ORAL ESTRADIOL. ESPECIALLY WITHOUT AN ANTI-ANDROGEN. THIS IS BY FAR THE MOST POPULAR MEDICAL MALPRACTICE I NEED TO FIX IN ADVICE TO OTHERS OFTEN. IT IS A DOSAGE THAT WILL DO NOTHING. IT IS PITIFUL. OFFICIAL HEALTHCARE SOURCES CITE FOR HIGHER DOSAGES THAN THIS. THE ENDOCRINE SOCIETY, THE DSM, WPATH ALL VOUCH FOR HIGHER DOSAGES THAN THIS. OFFICIAL HEALTHCARE IN TRANS CARE IS NOT GREAT AND EVEN THEN THE OFFICIAL HEALTHCARE GUIDELINES ARE HIGHER. THIS IS A STUPID DOSE BY ANY AND EVERY METRIC POSSIBLE AND YET IT GETS PRESCRIBED 5% OF THE TIME. I MOSTLY THINK DOCTORS ARE PUTTING YOU ON A LOW DOSAGE IN THE HOPES YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND.
It is usually more important to lower testosterone than it is to raise estrogen.
Enanthate = Undyclate > Cypionate > Valerate
</a>
 If one has to be on oral pills, either forced by a doctor or otherwise, at the very least I advocate for 4-8mg sublingual estradiol and 100-200mg Spironolactone for the normal american market trans healthcare. (Sublingual simply means dissolving them under your tongue, it’s more effective that way)
 Your general estradiol expectations with scientific and anecdotal evidence are to maximize your effects around 3-5 years of taking HRT. You will not stop feminizing and growing as long as you stay on HRT, breast growth does not stop but it does slow down at some point. Be aware that HRT is a forever medication. Some are surprised by this, expecting to only have to take it for as long as it takes for effects to get Into The Green. But if you get on and get off HRT you will lose some effects that are more temporary, such as libido and emotional changes. It will also have a negative effect on what breasts you’ve grown. Your testosterone will return to Boy level and bring with it Boy effects.
 It is usually ideal for most transfem individuals to be on HRT for their whole lives. HRT is a slow acting process, both getting on it and getting off it. If you lose access temporarily for whatever reason, you will Not lose all progress immediately. I am sorry, but doing HRT is a slow process one must have lots of patience on. Even at normal dosages or on injections, it will take years for your effects to show themselves to you and others. Usually. Unless you are very lucky, or perhaps very young.
 Progesterone… is a weird one to me. It’s advertised by transfems for transfems to help breast growth. But it seems somewhat scattered for actual results. I personally view it as mildly optional, because it may or may not work for you. It does more than breast growth at least. It can help with body temperature, mental health, libido troubles and enhancement. The prescription dosage typically goes from 100-400mg. I HIGHLY recommend boofing it if you take it. (Taking it rectally) Tests have been done to confirm your body will be getting more of the progesterone that way, and it’s safe to take it that way in capsule form.
Why Progesterone?</a> Extra</a>
The biggest myths in HRT/estrogen</h2>
 Milk does not help, tea barely helps, beer does not help, soy does not help, Pueraria Mirifica is purely fake for estrogen help, touching paper receipts does not help. These are mostly manosphere falsehoods dreamed up by scammers with something to sell to someone. In general, if a transfem is not already taking and using something to boost estrogen, it does not help or apply estrogenically. The only real way we know to raise and lower hormone levels is via medicine. Also, any estrogen or testosterone you can buy on amazon is fake medicine. It always needs a prescription in the US for the real deal (or DIY from trusted DIY stores in the diy hrt market).

My opinions on Spironolactone are the least well researched and most subjective of my general stack of HRT opinions. </blockquote>
 Spironolactone… is a medication I just kinda hate. Studies are showing it might be more harmful than productive. The Extra Peeing Frequency effect is stupid and debilitating and doctors hand wave it too much. It does have notably less efficacy than other antiandrogens. It messes with your blood flow and could prove problematic. It could cause brain fog and generally be worsening one’s depression. It could give you fat on your belly that is very hard to lose. It is an american favorite to prescribe. I personally advocate for getting off it as medication and getting patients onto subjectively better medications. I was on it and found it debilitating and humiliating. I do not personally believe transfems have to be on a medication that humilates them 75% of the time.
What’s Wrong With Spironolactone?</a>
</a>
 I was below 15ng/dL testosterone for a time and I’d say, be careful. Your goal as transfeminine goals go should not and cannot be to duck your testosterone to 0. Testosterone is still important for basic body functions in transfems; energy level, libido. I personally think with my experience transfems should be on 25-75ngl testosterone, and be trying to measure your dosages to result in such. I was personally happiest with my level at 75ng/dl. You are no less a woman because you have some testosterone in your system.
I recommend highly for further reading the resources of
My own HRT results/journey bluesky thread</a>
Katie’s DIY HRT guide</a>
transfemscience.org, a collection of data and calculators</a>
The many lies of transphobes: A 5 hour video essay</a>
Trans people are highly correlated with autistic individuals. Autism is heavily demonized in our current society, it may help to know Why and Where that comes from: HBomberGuy’s 2 hour video essay on the lies of vaccines falsely correlated with Autism</a>
Being trans is not a bad thing. Being autistic is not a bad thing. Getting vaccines for yourself and others improves the overall health of yourself and society. There is no good reason to demonize any of these things.
In summation, the biggest problems in US trans healthcare I personally see:

1mg oral estradiol (sometimes without antiandrogen)</li>
18g needles for vial draws, larger needles than necessary in general</li>
oral pills first, injections rarely advised for</li>
7 day dosage valerate</li>
Clinics that don’t do informed consent</li>
general refusal on progesterone</li>
keeping transfems lockstep in 100-200pg/ml estradiol range, fanatically so</li>
not able/not willing to prescribe CPA or Bicalutamide</li>
insurance problems with cypionate/needles</li>
steadfast prescribing Spironolactone, despite issues</li>
Insurance</li>
Political Healthcare Climate</li>
cis people/cis family/cis doctors</li>
wait lists (you should be seen within a week of deciding you want hrt fyi)</li>
Insurance</li> </ul>
</a>

Of Bazzite And My Callout Post

2025-12-16T00:00:00+00:00

This post covers verbal abuse, toxic workplace type stuff </blockquote>
So! Past week has been interesting. On Dec 10th Amelia</a> and I</a> jointly went through with our callout posts of pushing for Bazzite/Universal Blue to apply by their own Code of Conduct, and ban a toxic, basically abusive dev on their team. Shortly after a good few devs in Ublue followed. And Antheas was indeed eventually banned from Bazzite, its github, and social channels.
What is Bazzite? A linux-based gaming-focused operating system.</a>
Code of Conduct? Rules that basically say “Be nice”
Who? Antheas</a>. The developer of Handheld Daemon, primary dev of The Bazzite Kernel, dev of HHD Rechunker. Basically a good large chunk of what makes Bazzite work on PCs and handheld PCs, especially important for getting the inputs side of various handheld PCs like the ROG Ally, SteamDeck, and Legion Go working with videogames on Bazzite.
Antheas_ has been a thorn in the side of Bazzite and FOSS spaces in general for months. He’s an extremely talented and knowledgable developer, hugely important to Bazzite as a project. But he’s an asshole. Not even just a little bit, but a lot, repeatedly, over, and over, and over, again, and again, and again. He’s made devs leave projects and cut ties with Bazzite as a project, he’s been a nuisance in handheld PC space, and he’s just plain mean to fellow developers and peers. He has never once been cruel to me directly, but I was never the less not happy seeing his behavior, and pissed when seeing him insult my friends.
Let’s rapid-fire.
Antheas: “Take it seriously, it’s better to take abuse”</a> (from users to devs for the purposes of tech support)
Synbi: “Banning someone who’s harassing people - even if those people are mods - will not have a negative affect to the community”
Antheas: “It does.”
Antheas, when being told of an exceptionally talented dev in Ublue being hired by another company: “Hey, they sponsored</a> your intern, so you’re doing god’s work” (Emphasis mine)
Antheas: “I get to dictate</a> a part of Bazaar’s decisions” (A brilliant software flatpak not developed by him, not developed by Bazzite or Ublue) Jorge: You most certainly DO NOT
When hearing about my callout post: Antheas: “Random user</a> that didn’t use Bazzite gets triggered” “We’ll figure out the details later”
Antheas: “Currently the only feature that works correctly in InputPlumber [A “competing” open source software to HHD] is the qam button“
Antheas: “If you don’t like my python implementation, you can reimplement hhd in rust and once the implementation is ready you can even use my name, domain, and github repos as well” “I’m quite fond of the name, it’s easy to type as a command and memorable”
Antheas: “I would prefer you focusing on ogui” “I don’t want you to “stop what you’re doing” on anything except inputplumber“
When hearing a dev talking about herself being harassed in another server, Antheas: “What is this with other discord servers bringing their problems here?” (From the Bazaar developer, the software he supposedly had “a say in”, until its developer was facing harassment)
Antheas: “At this point</a> “Make (x) Great Again!” is part of US pop culture and cannot be considered a dog whistle anymore“ (When telling other devs they were wrong to immediately trash on a user submission to Bazzite that brought up the infamous dog whistle)(Side note: AH YES IT’S DEFINITELY OKAY TO BRING UP THIS DOG WHISTLE ON FUCKING GITHUB OF ALL THINGS. I AM VERY INTELLIGENT. GEE I WONDER IF FASCISM EVER INFILTRATES AMERICAN POP CULTURE.)
Okay hold up, zoom in.

THIS IS ABOUT ME AND MY POST. WHICH IF HE FUCKING READ PROPERLY MAYBE HE’D REALIZE THIS ISN’T EVEN MAJORITY ABOUT ME, THIS IS ABOUT VARIOUS DEVS AND VARIOUS TEAMS BEING FED UP WITH HIM. BAZZITE, BLUEFIN, CHIMERAOS, INPUTPLUMBER, AURORA, BAZAAR. HE’D ALREADY BEEN BANNED BY CHIMERAOS FOR POOR CONDUCT AND LEARNED FUCKING NOTHING FROM THE EXPERIENCE. WHAT OF THE DECISION OF THE BAZZITE LOGO ARTIST TO LEAVE THE DISCORD BECAUSE OF YOU? I’d been hanging around the Bazzite server and doing small projects and community work on it for a year? I’M ACTUALLY LITERALLY PARTIALLY DOING BAZZITE TECH SUPPORT FOR FUNSIES OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF MY HEART FOR THE BETTER PART OF THIS YEAR. AND YES I DO FUCKING USE AND HAVE USED BAZZITE YOU INSIPID GREMLIN, FOR INDEED A FULL YEAR NOW.
Antheas has some real god power complex going on. Egomania. Sociopathy. Something. I don’t know and I don’t care what exactly it is. I like Bazzite and Bazaar and Bluefin as projects. Having him around in these dev and community spaces bothered me being the way he is. Antheas had wedged himself into that position of power one can wield in a company or organization when they are “too important” to let go because of some service they do for the organization. And they can then be cruel to coworkers, users, peers because of the value they bring to the organization. This is sadly a common archetype of person. The asshole that controls the Minecraft server of a friend group. The asshole that controls the backend library of a million dollar company. The asshole at the DND session that has a 3D printer. Taking advantage of their usefulness to others to be cruel for lack of consequences able or willing to be leveraged upon them. It’s a dirty social engineering trick to take advantage of.
Try and not have this situation occur by you, and occur in your communities. Spread out power and responsibilities, be mindful of dev composure even towards other developers. Above all, having empathy, attempting to understand and level with people will prevent you turning into this. I know most of the lot of the Bazzite devs are decent, hard working people. Very kind, very progressive, and I appreciate that. Again, I respect the hell out of Bazzite and Aurora</a> and Bluefin</a> as projects. I realize that things can get heated in this space, as we are developing software for users, making decisions and organizing The Future, enacting our politics and values as we see fit in our conversations and spaces. It doesn’t have to be personal, it doesn’t have to be cruel. I know this was a unique situation that slowly cropped up. It should still have been dealt with months ago. And ideally I wouldn’t have needed to draft up a fucking, callout post.
I HATE callout posts. I hate callout post culture. More often than not it’s very simple stuff that is no one’s business but between the callout-er and callout-ee. More often than not they are leveraged as weapons against racial and gender minorities. More often than not they are leveraged as a weapon against someone’s simple and benign sexual kinks. To a degree I wish I’d gone about things differently, gone to the head Bazzite maintainer(s) in private with my concerns… I’m sorry for not doing so. I was just frustrated at seeing this long line of offenses. Frustrated at seeing daily arguments and pissing fests in the dev discord channel.
I’d rather not have gone after this man’s casual hobby to be quite honest. It’s not really my Thing to be a drama hound and get people ejected or fired from places. Bazzite will suffer on a technical level now. Bazzite is always open to new devs and contributors just sayin</a> I am happy that these spaces can heal now but it’s bittersweet. I would rather Antheas have just learned and listened and apologized and done better. I’ve done and said things I regret and I either apologized for or wish I apologized for. I believe in most people’s capacity to be kind and open to learning.
</a>

Trans slur </blockquote>
One thing: In my initial callout post, I pointed out how Antheas had used in casual conversation what I thought was an allusion to a trans slur “troon”. In later discord messages</a> he has said that he didn’t know that slur existed, and it was a play on “Playtron” and “goon”. Your guess is as good as mine if that’s legitimately true. It ultimately doesn’t matter if a small part of the thing I was wrong about, but I do feel bad about it if it’s true because for a lot of people what jumps out at them is the trans slur usage and is most egregious. I LEGITIMATELY don’t know, I think I was wrong on the cuff on that one. I am hyper vigilante on trans slurs, I’m trans. Antheas is not trans and can be forgiven not knowing that one. The overall point is still the same.
This all feels… very familiar. I used to be a bit of a control freak. Used to be a bad moderator. Still am a bit of a control freak to a certain degree. Had my modship of a forum wrested from me. I’m wistful. Were it things could be different.

Read Or Die Franchise Review

2025-08-14T00:00:00+00:00

Or: One Funny Little Autistic Woman Gets Obsessed With One Other Funny Little Autistic Woman.
 I think the way it started was being ravenous for more OVAs. I’d come off watching Diebuster</a> (18+) and Gunsmith Cats</a> (18+) and I wanted more 90s/00’s animation, and slightly hidden stuff, and exceptionally short but exceptionally skilled stuff. (Recommend me more OVAs/short series to watch! My anilist and things I have already watched can be found here.</a>) Funnily enough, I think I knew in the background about Read Or Die for years, but the impression I had was from Read Or Die TV and thus it was on the back burner forever. Read Or Die is confusing partially because there’s multiple parts of the IP with multiple intrigues. There’s a much different tone to the manga, to the OVA, to the anime TV series.
Anyway.

 Read Or Die OVA</a> (3 episodes) follows Yomiko Readman AKA The Paper, a secret agent working for the London Library. A sort of 007 type story, including the world saving and jazzy soundtrack. She’s a bibliophile, absolutely OBSESSED with books, collecting and reading and loving. And she’s a paper master, she can control paper in all kinds of ways. From making a human-size paper airplane to fly with, to rope and grappling hook, to defending herself from bullets and using it as a makeshift sword. Hardening and loosening the paper at will (And in the light novel having access to Battle Paper, which extends the paper mechanics utility-belt-like.)

 She’s very lovable. Very clumsy, not trained in CQC or battle hardened. But talented at her paper magic, and earnest to Do A Good Job. Very autistic indeed with her hyperfixation, struggling with social ques at times, mishearing people, generally not being terribly social, but also not purposely avoiding socializing. She’s not pessimistic, not angry, quite happy and quite filled with joy of the world and curiosity.
She extreeeemely reminds me of Mrs. Brisby from Secret of Nimh</a>

 Who similarly isn’t a Trained individual, but does incredible things despite her humble origin story and down to earth feminine nature. I love the general archetype honestly of Mom Thrown Into Danger And Overcomes Anyway. And indeed this age range and archetype being something not covered in animation terribly often. Yomiko is 25! Or 20. I like thinking of her as 25 a ton. She’s not a teen in literally any part of the franchise regardless, being either 20 or 25 depending on adaptation. Go figure I’d love her as a 30 something trans woman. She reads as a 30 something to me, not a 20 something. She extremely reads as a millennial (Yes her timeline is wrong to be a millennial SHUT UUUUP)
 Read Or Die OVA is EXCEPTIONALLY well animated. Like even if you don’t end up caring about Yomiko or any of the plot it’s well worth a watch to see some animators firing on all cylinders. There’s some INCREDIBLE sequences in the OVA, it’s an achievement, and people adore it for that reason and more even if they don’t care about ANY of the rest of the franchise. It’s an easy access point, and the OVA WAS made first before any of the rest of the franchise. </iframe>
 Read Or Die OVA’s plot is, a buncha historical figures start causing Problems all over the world, ripped straight out of time. Yomiko and two other agents get bound up in a world saving plot and work together. Of particular note being Nancy, a sexy spy type who can phase through any object/make her body completely untouchable by will.


Major spoilers immediately from here-on! Like next sentence! </blockquote>
 So my biggest and only real gripe with at least the OVA (but somewhat the rest of the franchise too, I’ll get to that) is the OVA ends with Nancy deciding to kill herself, after Yomiko saves her, strives to save SPECIFICALLY HER multiple times, after an abusive man who was her lover dies and she feels the world will be empty after he’s gone, AFTER THIS SHOW ALSO FEATURES LOTS OF LESBIAN TOUCHES.

 NANCY FEELS LIKE THERE’S NOTHING FOR HER IN THIS WORLD AND NO ONE LOVES HER AFTER YOMIKO WENT OUT OF HER WAY ENTIRELY TO ABSOLVE NANCY OF TREASON AND SAVE HER. Oy vey. The OVA came out in 2001. I don’t NEED a story to have LGBT in it to enjoy it (My favorite love stories are straight so far! Katanagatari and Blue Savant. I also love Diebuster a ton but that’s yuri.) but it feels wanting for lesbianism here, and it feels insulting to Yomiko’s efforts and her overall love of Nancy, platonic or romantic. </iframe>
 Of the parts of the franchise, there’s the OVA (I recommend it HIGHLY), there’s the TV series (I haven’t watched it yet, hear it’s good, it’s got a different main character and character set and that kind of thing bugs me, plus starring a small child, which isn’t what I’m looking for currently. I might get around to it sometime if I can get around my dislike of certain details.) there’s a manga (I mostly love the manga? It suffers from a love issue too, and it’s kind of a meta mess of a story, but the characters and dialog are enjoyable at least, and Yomiko is her same self and still starring), a spin off manga (unrelated completely to Yomiko), and 12 light novels, plus Read Or Dream light novels (which follow the TV series characters). Most of this is translated except for the light novels, of which only the first RODie is fan translated. A-1 Pictures had teased they wanted to do more Read Or Die anime content in 2016 but nothing came of that. A final light novel is in production but the writer is taking his time on outputting it.
 Summed up I can mostly recommend at least checking out the OVA, the main manga, and the TV series if you don’t mind a different character set. (They are paper users still) I enjoyed the fan translated light novel but its content is most of the way similar to the first story covered in the manga, but done slightly worse.

 Yomiko, tired and beaten after fighting her way here, extolling the virtue of consent and gentle love to a rapist, just before she thrashes him. I love her. I love her so much.
 Yomiko is a romantic tragedy story in all parts of the franchise when looking only at her relationships. She killed her boyfriend to become The Paper (He forced her to), Nancy kills herself in the OVA before any kind of relationship with her can happen. Yomiko isn’t really allowed love beyond her love of books. Despite her being willing to love beyond that. Despite people accusing her ONLY of loving and protecting books. A theme of the manga is that she will endeavor to save both books and people. (Tony Stark Reference.gif)

 I feel like this is my version of being into Spider-Man. She’s never allowed a happy ending, all three stories I’ve experienced are tragedies for her. She never lets it get her down (Besides one bit in the manga, where she’s DEVASTATED on fully recollecting her murder of Donnie, her boyfriend.) She has a sunny and happy disposition no matter what happens, at least long term. In the MOMENT she is devastated at things like Nancy’s betrayal, recollecting Donnie’s murder, being unable to save Nancy. It’s not like she can’t experience stress/distress/depression/sadness. She just doesn’t let things get her down in the longterm, and at the end of every story she’s always looking forward to what the future holds for her. Side note but I view it that the stories only ever view her as straight, there’s yuri bait a little bit in the OVA but it just subverts that in the end anyway and doesn’t actually approach yuri as a subject in plain text.
 Donnie, her boyfriend in the light novel and manga, is so freaking boring by the way as a person. The only thing interesting about him is that Yomiko killed him to become The Paper and he was cool with that happening. For some. Unexplained reason. His personality is similarly sunny and happy, despite hardship. They bonded over… a love of books. The thing they do together is… read books. He listens to her talk about books happily, asks questions and nods. He just… has no spice to his character really. He exists for Yomiko to kill him and to be sad she killed him, he exists to be fridged</a> and to only exist in flashbacks.

 He was conscripted and bought by The London Library to be a spy slave. He attempted to betray The London Library and escape them, forcing them to execute him via Yomiko. Honestly possibly what makes his story fall flat is that The London Library is never really zoomed in on in the translated material available, is never really written to be longterm monstrous, and is a vague entity overall in the franchise. (The London Library and Joker I am using interchangeably here, both are not detailed beyond surface details.) I have a grudge against Donnie since Yomiko deserves better, and I was forced to read his back story twice in both the light novel and manga.


(I’m enjoying linking the manga a lot for the sake of it, the art of the manga is REALLY good itself.)
 Shutaro Yamada is the artist of the manga, Hideyuki Kurata is the writer of THE ENTIRE FRANCHISE (EVERYTHING), and Koji Masunari is the director of the OVA. For some of the biggest names to blame for the overall quality of the franchise.
Yomiko Readman is pretty sexy. She’s understated about it a bit in the OVA, very OVERstated about it in the manga.

She wears an overcoat that usually covers her figure, but the manga and tv series and light novels highly accent her, well, breasts.

 I don’t hate it personally. I find it interesting just how much the OVA doesn’t highlight her figure or frame her sexually, but the rest of the franchise does. Despite being anime/despite being an OVA where sexiness is very often part of the selling point.
 The manga pretty easily has the most content and trigger warnings attached to it, and it bugged me in a couple places. There was one bit where Nenene, 17 year old child prodigy author, kisses Yomiko to “learn how kissing goes”. Her 25 year old school teacher. And Nenene and Yomiko have a scene of Yomiko trying on Nenene’s outfits in a sleep over, some very revealing and embarrassing for her. Those… I could have done without. It’s especially a bummer when the first manga arc has this overarching message of consent and love, but Nenene forces herself on Yomiko for a “comedy bit”. It betrays its own message.
 Though despite that I do overall like that first arc anyway, and I do love Yomiko telling a rapist what-for and beating him up. The OVA I don’t really have any morality related problems with, other than being incredibly against allowing a lesbian relationship onscreen. The manga is somewhat haphazard, but I do overall like it a lot anyway. But my love of Yomiko is most of what’s piloting that.
 To boot, I don’t think Read Or Die as a franchise has very good writing beyond Yomiko’s general character writing. The plots are okay, random things can come and go or come out of nowhere, deus ex machina is a bit rampant, and the themes get betrayed by themselves here and there a bit. I think the franchise is at its best in its visual art. Even the first light novel, being allowed to let loose completely with writing, is just okay, and doesn’t take advantage a ton of being in the writing medium and being allowed a much, much larger word count.

 Despite all that and despite any criticisms I do really love this franchise. I really wish I could read the rest of the light novels. I’m actually SUPER curious what’s inside based on the illustrations</a>. I’m so sad I can’t read them without learning the language, and so sad despite the overall franchise’s popularity they were never worth official translation by the IP holders. I love Yomiko Readman, her nerdy nature and sunny disposition. I love the plots putting her through stress and depression, and her coming out the opposite end still smiling. I think being able to go through terrible events and still be happy and not let it scar her is, perhaps a bit sexist on the creators parts, but also goals and commendable.


 Read Or Die is heavily out of print when it comes to modern day non-piracy actually-buying-the-thing or materially-supporting-it-in-any-way. The two anime are not on streaming. The books are… sort of available? The light novels are untranslated, but the manga is officially translated. The dvds and blurays for the anime are very out of print and very hard to buy, and secondhand won’t provide money to the IP holder or creators anyway. Like I’d love to point you in a direction for how to show support for this franchise but they are not making it easy here. Please pirate the two anime via your downloader or online site of choice. I think Read Or Die is kind of dead as a franchise and no more content is coming anyway. We can enjoy what’s already here, but I feel it’s fruitless to ask for more. I think what we got already is a miracle.
 And I don’t think showing it to more people will change much. People are generally very positive on the OVA but everywhere I look otherwise people are very critical of the manga. Which is understandable, its the most haphazard part of the franchise. And I feel the OVA is praised because of its action and animation of that action, not exactly for other parts. Yomiko Readman is a standout and highly interesting character, but otherwise all other parts of the IP are fairly run of the mill or not very interesting in a vacuum. People DO love Yomiko Readman and I do appreciate the positive comments on her character that I’ve seen on reddit and elsewhere. She’s lovely, and kinda gender and personality and looks goals for me.
 … I REALLY wish the light novels were translated… fan translated or officially. Literally with how deep I got into things I would have bought books if I couldn’t find them online.
 Thank you for reading! My ask box is open to anonymous comments if you loved what I wrote, want to tell me your own opinions on Read Or Die, or want to criticize me for anything I wrote here. (Sorry!) Watch Read Or Die (OVA) on your anime site of choice!
A link to the original tumblr post this blog post is adapted from</a>

Before</span></p></h2>
</a></p>

Before</span></p></h2>
</a></p>

Injections</span></p></h1>

Xenia

An Exploration of Asexuality

Xenia's Transphobia Trauma

Rehabilitation VS Retribution

Xenia Get The Fuck Out Fund

The Rising Tide of Transphobia

Transfem Body and Face Shaving

Xenia

Xenia-isms

My Experience Living With Ulcerative Colitis

MTF HRT Suggestions From A Fellow Transfem

Of Bazzite And My Callout Post

Read Or Die Franchise Review

Xenia

An Exploration of Asexuality

Xenia's Transphobia Trauma

Rehabilitation VS Retribution

Xenia Get The Fuck Out Fund

The Rising Tide of Transphobia

Transfem Body and Face Shaving

Xenia

Xenia-isms

My Experience Living With Ulcerative Colitis

MTF HRT Suggestions From A Fellow Transfem

Injections</span></p></h1>

(or How I learned to stop worrying and love the stab)</p></h2> First, easily:</p>

Of Bazzite And My Callout Post

Read Or Die Franchise Review