An Exploration of Asexuality

2026-05-07T00:00:00+00:00

The following is designed to be a completely comprehensive guide to ace terminology. Although the words are helpful for understanding other people, how they see the world, and how you might differ from those people, and therefore relate to them, it is worth remembering that the individual experience of a person is truly unique and no one can tell you who you are. It is critical you do not take this dictionary as a flat definition, but more as a rough guideline to help you through your self discovery, and become your true self.

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The first and most commonly used definition of ace is:

A person who has a complete disgust to sexual contact.

This definition is fine. It works. It’s not wrong, but it’s got some problems. It ignores a lot of facts about the way sexual orientation works, for instance sex ambivalence instead of aversion, or pushes other groups of people like the aromantics or demi-sexuals out of the ace umbrella. This definition is also commonly called “black stripe” asexuality. As such, my favourite definition of ace is:

A person who does not feel attraction in a conventional way.

This definition requires some explanation, but it effectively encompasses all people who feel differently about sexuality and romanticism. When I say Ace from here on, this is the definition I use.

Most people understand sexual preferences in the binary. On/off. Yes/No. But similar to the gender binary, this is a simplification used to make things easier to understand. When we dive deep into the asexuality spectrum, we find it is made up of hundreds of unique aspects. Imagine if you would a standard deviation bell curve. Where on one side of the extreme, lays people who are 100% completely sexual contact averse, or disgusted by the idea of sexual contact. On the other extreme of the curve are Hyper-sexual people.

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When we envision the world like this, we come to understand that every person exists somewhere on the Asexual-Hypersexual spectrum. This definition allows everyone to be included if they so wish, by recognizing that a person’s asexual expression is not defined by distance from the edges but instead is relative to its distance from the center. Through this, we allow people to use ace labels to describe themselves if they so wish but feel no pressure to either conform to the standard, nor achieve certain checkmarks to feel like a “Real Ace.” In this model, everyone is allowed to be Ace, as long as they feel like they are far enough away from the norm. This definition also leaves room for hypersexuals to be considered part of the ace spectrum, which is a very controversial take, but I will stand by it, in solidarity of inclusivity for all people. Similar to the Asexual-Hypersexual spectrum, sits a romanticism spectrum.

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Again, by using this model, we allow everyone the breathing room required to do the self-exploration required to become comfortable with ones self, through the understanding that everyone lays somewhere on this curve. The question is where on the curve a person sits, and whether or not they feel comfortable enough taking a label or flag. This definition is understood with the mindset that your personal experience is only understood by yourself, and like sexual preferences (Gay, Bi, Pan), can only be determined by you.

This is babies first AroAce. If this is your first time encountering this word, this is what it means. To be AroAce is to be both Aromantic and Asexual. To for some reason or another find forms of sexual expression and romantic expression to be undesirable. Every form of attraction has its own bell curve, and every person has opinions and feelings about where they sit on each form of attraction. Every single person feels attraction to another person in a different way, and through exploring the rest of this, you can come to better understand who you are as a person, and how to better communicate your needs, as well as understand other people’s emotional needs.

Types of attraction</h1>
 Most forms of attraction are more easily defined by things they are NOT. Defining sexual contact is simple enough, but defining romantic contact can be very challenging. As such, most of the things on this list are more “know it when you feel it.” If you do not understand a feeling or the definition is not helping, it is possible or likely you simply do not feel this form of attraction. The following is a short list of the most commonly talked about forms of attraction. A much more comprehensive list can be found here

Aesthetic:</li> </ul>
An appreciation for or attraction to someone’s looks; experiencing aesthetic attraction towards someone does not automatically lead to a desire for a romantic or sexual relationship with that person.

Sexual:</li> </ul>
A desire for a sexual partnership or contact with a person.

Sensual:</li> </ul>
An attraction based on senses that include physical contact, like hugging or kissing. Sensuality does not have to be accompanied by sexual or romantic feelings.

Romantic:</li> </ul>
A desire to attribute your feelings and sensations into love.

Platonic:</li> </ul>
A desire to be emotionally connected with someone, which is not necessarily accompanied by physical contact, or romantic feelings.

Alterous:</li> </ul>
A type of attraction that is neither entirely platonic nor entirely romantic, best described as “romantic intimacy.”

Libido:</li> </ul>
A person’s sex drive, or the frequency at which a person desires sexual interaction (or lack thereof). Libido is not the same as sexual attraction, which requires another person to be attracted to.
Stances</h1>
 Stances are an aspect of attraction that describes an individual’s feeling towards the form of attraction. Sometimes people find descriptive words a more helpful method of communicating their preferences. The following are prefixes one can put onto any form of attraction. For example, it is ok to be Sex-Repulsed, but Sensual-Favourable.

Favorable:</li> </ul>
One enjoys the interaction.

Indifferent:</li> </ul>
One has no strong feelings regarding the interaction.

Repulsed:</li> </ul>
One feels disgust towards an interaction, sometimes resulting in physical revulsion or nausea.

Averse:</li> </ul>
One does not want to personally engage in the interaction.

Ambivalent:</li> </ul>
One has mixed or complicated feelings regarding the interaction.

Oscillating:</li> </ul>
One’s feelings towards the interaction change or fluctuate over time.

Drained:</li> </ul>
A person who is experiencing a trauma or exhaustion related repulsion or ambivalence. Often these feelings are temporary and fade given time or counselling, but not always. These are usually not an indication of being in the ace spectrum, but can often be confused for Spikes or Jumps (more on that later)
Other Core Concepts</h1>

Gray-Ace:</li> </ul>
 Gray describes a weak effect of the other definitions. For instance, a person who is “gray-sex-repulsed” may only lightly feel disgust towards sexual activity, rather than a fully encompassing repulsion. In some cases, asexual people may question if gray- labels actually “count” as being part of the asexual spectrum. Thus there ends up being pressure put on gray-asexual people to “prove” that they count as part of the community. Gray as a label is used to include people who are questioning, and people who feel only slight pulls towards a label or flag. This prevents people from feeling like they aren’t “pure ace” or “real ace” enough to be included. The point of Gray as a term is to reduce Acephobia from both sides; people who consider ace to be “not real,” as well as those who consider anyone who is not Sex Averse to be ace, by helping people understanding ace through a spectrum model. This is also called “-Angled” by some people.

Periorientation (Roseic) and Variorientation:</li> </ul>
 Most individuals in society are expected to have a matching sexual and romantic orientation. However, this is not always the case. Peri and Vari describe the link between a person’s facets of attraction. For instance, a person who is aroace would be Perioriented, whereas a person who is a-sexual but hyper-romantic would be Varioriented. This can also be used to describe sexual preference, for instance a person who is homosexual but pan-romantic might only enjoy sexual contact from the same gender assignment as them, but will happily romanticise all genders with no intention of sexual contact. These words help people understand that a person’s sexual and romantic experiences do not always align with themselves and can often help prevent people getting confused over the idea that a person must see different expressions of attraction as one big label.

The Split Attraction Model (SAM):</li> </ul>
A person who is perioriented in all form does not need to clarify distinctions between their forms of attraction, and can simply say they are, for instance, “Pan” or “Pansexual.” It is assumed that when one does this, they mean pan-sexual, pan-romantic, pan-asthetic, pan-platonic and pan-sensual. However a person who is Varioriented in their forms of attraction may need to clarify differences to properly communicate their needs within a relationship. An Aromantic Pansexual has no interest in forming romantic relationships, but is willing to form sexual relationships with most people. In this way, clarification is needed, and SAM is called upon to help with the clarification.

Primary Attraction/Secondary Attraction:</li> </ul>
 Primary Attraction is usually an “immediate” attraction, conflated with words like infatuation, butterflies in the stomach, or the “Honey-Moon Phase.” Whereas secondary attraction is the gradual buildup of emotional connection that develops over time. Some people find it hard to start meaningful relationships with people due to their lack of Primary attraction. Some people cannot hold onto meaningful relationships, or simply do not wish to form long relationships, due to a lack of ability to create secondary attraction.

Trauma-Related Asexuality:</li> </ul>
 Although highly contested, in the interest of inclusivity, a separate space in my heart lives for trauma-related Ace. Often through sex work, or abuse, a person can develop ace feelings and may become repulsed by certain forms of attraction. These people are included in my definition, but it is worth understanding that they are an even smaller minority of an already very small group of people. Not all people who are asexual, are trauma related.
Flags</h1>
 All the following terms are “Prefix”, which is to say they can be attributed to any singular form of attraction, or more if one wishes to. For instance, a person may be Apothio-sexual, Demi-romantic, and Akio-Platonic. Combining this with the SAM, and the different forms of attraction, a person can come to a comprehensive model that helps them understand how they interact with other people, and most importantly, become conscious of the ways other people might differ from them.

Allo-/Zed-:</li> </ul>
A person who experiences attraction in conformist ways and is therefore not on the ace spectrum.

Apothio-:</li> </ul>
A person who finds some attractions or activities to be disgusting or uncomfortable and avoids its presence altogether. Usually called “Aversion” or “Repulsion.”

Aro-:</li> </ul>
A person who does not experience a specific form of attraction, but does not necessarily feel aversion to the idea. Usually called “ambivalence.”

Abro-/Flux-:</li> </ul>
A person who’s attraction fluctuates between different stances, or is experienced in different strengths according to a wide range of possible different factors.

Demi-:</li> </ul>
A person who only experiences attraction after establishing an emotional connection with someone, usually in another form of attraction. For instance, a Demi-sexual would require romantic gestures or platonic connection before becoming sexually invested.

Fray-:</li> </ul>
A person who experiences attraction, which fades very quickly, usually after coming to understand the person or object of attraction.

Akio-/Litho-:</li> </ul>
A person who experiences attraction but has no desire to feel reciprocation or sometimes wishes for no reciprocation. Often conflated with “Service,” a person who is Litho-sexual might go as far as desiring to receive no physical contact but be extremely happy to give physical or sexual contact.

Ficto-:</li> </ul>
A person who is exclusively attracted to fictional characters or ideas, and expresses no attraction towards real people.

Aego-/Autochori-:</li> </ul>
A person who experiences a disconnect between the subject of their attraction, and themselves. A person who is Aego-sexual may enjoy the concept of sex with someone but not express it with people or feel no desire to express their attraction, often enjoying erotica or fantasies, but become ambivalent or averse when a person becomes involved.

Cupio-:</li> </ul>
A person who desires actions despite not being able to experience their related attraction. People who are cupio might enjoy using Sex or Romanticism for secondary reasons, like assisting in forming emotional relationships with others, or simple physical/mental stimulation.

Orchid-:</li> </ul>
 The opposite of Cupio, a person who experiences forms of attraction, but does not desire a relationship.

Bellus-:</li> </ul>
 A person who is uncomfortable with, repulsed by, or does not want a relationship, but is ok with traditional expressions of attraction when devoid from the expectation of relationship.

Quoi-/Nebula-:</li> </ul>
 A person who finds feelings of attraction confusing. Not necessarily that they do not feel them, but simply do not know what they feel like, or cannot express them outwardly, even if they are felt internally. Quoi people often are unable to distinguish feelings of romantic, sexual, platonic or aesthetic attraction, and will get them confused. Quoi may also be used to describe people who simply have not explored themselves enough to understand their desires (or lack thereof) and wish to use a label in the meantime.

Recipro-:</li> </ul>
 A person who does not feel expressions of attraction unless they know the other person is attracted to them first.

Jump:</li> </ul>
A person who is naturally Allo-attracted but sometimes feels intense and unpredictable spikes of Aro-attraction.

Spike:</li> </ul>
The opposite of jump, where a person who is generally Aro-attracted, feels unpredictable or intense feelings of Allo-attraction.

Inact-:</li> </ul>
A person who experiences attraction, and desires a relationship with someone, but is repulsed or averse to the form of attraction. An example might be someone who is sex repulsed, with a high libido.

Iamvano-/Accipio-:</li> </ul>
A person who experiences forms of attraction but may be ambivalent towards or repulsed by expressions of attraction. For instance, someone who enjoys receiving sexual acts, but does not enjoy giving them.

Placio-:</li> </ul>
The opposite of above, a person who enjoys performing expressions of attraction for other individuals but does not want them reciprocated, through repulsion, ambivalence, or otherwise.

Caligo-:</li> </ul>
A person who does feel the form of attraction, but finds them very weak, or unnoticeable, or almost non existent.

Adex-:</li> </ul>
Often confused with Aego, who lose interest in a relationship due to a disconnect between their attraction and their self, Adex will lose interest or be repulsed due to the disconnect between their attraction and the other person.

Pomo-:</li> </ul>
A person who refuses or avoids fitting into any label, like the ones above. People who are Pomo often challenge categorisation in favour of transgressivism. Some may even use the term to help them fit into a group while they question their self-understanding. (Yes I understand the irony of categorising people who refuse to be categorised, thank you.)

Suptilia/Omnia:</li> </ul>
A person who does not feel attraction to another person or never will under any circumstances.
Ace Microaggressions</h1>
Microaggressions happen a lot, here’s how to not do them.

Erasure:</li> </ul>
The denial that asexuality or aromanticism or other nonconventional forms of attraction is real. Examples include, dismissive language, ignoring or trying to “explain” Ace feelings through justifications or logical steps. Sexual preferences cannot be explained, they are innate features of a person’s experience.

Hetero/Amato-normativity:</li> </ul>
The insistence or assumption that heteroconformist relationships are the norm or should be desired. Understanding that not everyone expresses desire for normative relationships is critical.

Compulsory language:</li> </ul>
The assumption that everyone feels or should feel forms of attraction or should adhere to the convention. Compulsory language frames Heteronormative relationships as the center or peak of the human experience, and creates an “ideal world” where a human is unable to express their ace-ness. Framing a world in this way is hateful and erasive in nature.
“Fixing” Asexuals</h2>
 Asexuality is not sexual preference; it is a sexual identity. You can no more fix someone who is asexual, than you can fix someone who is gay(if you think you can do that, maybe just stop reading). Sexuality is not determined by fear, regret, trauma, personal choice, or past experiences. Sexual identity is simply who you are in the same way a someone can know what gender(s), if any, they’re attracted to without having dated anyone of that gender(s).
Charting asexuality</h3>
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Art created by redditor Holiday-Bag-9220</a>
Additional Reading about asexuality:
https://www.oulgbtq.org/acearo-mythbusting.html</a>
This has been a guest contributor article by Kabbyyss. Ia does not have social media accounts and so cannot be credited beyond name. The easiest way to get in contact with ia would be to DM XeniaDemonheart on Discord and ask for Kabbyyss. </div>

Xenia - Asexual

An Exploration of Asexuality